This Ain't No Love - Heartbreak Jake

Ah, Heartbreak Jake. Where do I start? I found his blog when I was bored and clicked the "Next Blog" in the blogger header. It can be very interesting and an enlightening experience. That's if you have the patience to shift your way through all the Asian and Spanish blogs.

I feel that I can give a description of Jake. Anything I would say would sound insincere. If you have the time you should go and read through some of his posts. I started from the beginning when I first found his blog and read all of them.

I have chosen a section from one of his posts.

Enjoy
Jane

Nice Labia

...On Thursday night I went out, alone as usual, in Riga. It was drizzling rain and I couldn't find a bar to my liking so I walked around in the rain for a while until finally settling on a place called 'John Lemon' near my hotel. I had a few beers and watched other people laughing and having fun before heading home. Really I just want someone to talk to me but nobody does (these days I don't give off a positive aura I think) and so I headed home. As I left the bar an old lady offered to sell me flowers.

"Fur die frau." She said thinking I was German I guess.

"Nicht frau." I replied, unsure how to express in German that there was a frau I very much wanted to give flowers to but she did not want them.

She said something that I'm pretty sure translated to-"In Riga there is always a women"-and not wanting to talk anymore about it, in German or English, I handed her a Lat and she gave me the flowers. I walked back to the hotel and went through the lobby before deciding I would walk to the nearby river and dispose of my bouquet. Before I reached the Riga River I passed a bar called "Sunset" and decided to step inside for one last beer.

I was easily the oldest guy or girl in the bar by ten years. There was some sort of party going on and the women were unbelievably beautiful, every single one of them, without exception. I sat for a while before two women walked in and plopped down next to me. Both young, both beautiful. This is when I learned that there is power in being a guy, alone in a bar, with a bouquet of flowers sitting next to him. I mean people want to know what's up. The two of them were looking at my flowers and I used the opportunity to strike up a conversation. They both spoke enough English for us to communicate and we began to chat. They thought I was 26, which was nice of them to say, though when I look at myself in the mirror these days I feel as though I am aging at five times the normal rate. I bought them drinks and they offered to take me to another bar. If I were the kind of guy who had luck in these situations, or who made his own luck I guess, this story would end with the three of us back at my hotel room engaged in some sort of Latvian love dance, but it did not. They got drunk and went home and once they left there seemed little reason to stick around so I began the long walk back to my hotel. On the way I was offered sex by a prostitute, whom I turned down, and another woman tried to coax me into a strip club.

I really hate strip clubs. I think other guys feel this way too but don't like to admit it. We're all supposed to love naked women in any and all situations, that's how guys are. I do love naked women, don't get me wrong, but there is something so uncomfortable to me about the situations you find yourself in. I don't mind the actual dancing all that much, though I don't find it particularly arousing either. What I hate is when they come down off the stage and try to chat you up in hopes of getting you to buy a lap dance. Frequently they don't put there clothes back on, which makes the whole thing seem so silly and awkward.

At any given moment in my life there has been no more than one person I have been comfortable having a conversation with naked, my significant other. Outside of that I prefer to be clothed when chatting.

"Hi, what's your name?" They'll say.

"Jake." I'll respond, shifting in my chair.

"Hi, I'm (insert ridiculous stripper name here: Candy, Sunset, Misty) what do you do for a living Jake?"

At this point I usually just give them $20 so they'll shut up, but this is what I want to say:

"I'm sorry but you're not wearing any clothes and while I would love to discuss my career or maybe politics with you I find your labia to be distracting."

In the end I get the lap dance and as long as they don't talk it's fine. But I digress.

I have also been exchanging flirty emails with someone. I say flirty, but who knows, for me flirty equals funny. I don't know any other way to flirt. I'm not the kind of guy who gives smoldering looks or wears t-shirts that show off my pecs. This is because I don't have pecs, I have man boobs, and who wants to show them off. They are perky man boobs and not all that bad as man boobs go, but man boobs all the same. I exercise frequently and so I am not, at this point, the least bit fat. The more depressed I am the better shape I tend to be in but so far I have failed to get depressed enough to be really ripped. Yes, and where 'looks' are concerned I don't do smoldering. I look at women the way a dog looks at a snausage. As if there is this thing that I want but I have no idea how to get it so I just try to look pathetic and be a 'good boy' and maybe I'll get lucky.

So back to this girl. She is someone who I have basically no chance with as she lives 5,000 miles away and she is the sister of a very good friend of mine. The thing is that I don't really care all that much it just feels good to sort of like someone and to think maybe they sort of like you. To not be sending emails about how depressed I am or asking for advice, but to just be normal me, or pretend to be normal me anyway.

I leave on Monday, and as pretty of a town as it is I'm happy to be going home, if only for a day.

So Close - Tertia

I have a bit of a 'thing' about 'mommy blogs'. Some people hate them and find them boring and mundane. But I find them fascinating. I can't help it because there is something intriguing about the rituals of suburban mothers. There is one which I visit daily and can't get enough of. It is actually the first blog I started reading religiously. Tertia struggled with infertility and eventually had twins - who are incredible smart and witty. She writes on So Close and writes a column for the Times, in South Africa.

She has a large following and as a result the comments she gets are also very interesting. From crazy yanks, to staunch Afrikaners. They all loooove her.

She is smart, witty and incredible funny (she must get it from her children). A definite worthwhile read.

Jane

Non racial children

(Using the drive to school as an opportunity to do a little education)

Me: It is important to be polite. Polite children say please and thank you, and they listen to their mommy. We like polite children.

(Silence while they digest this)

Adam: But we like dark children too?

Me: POL-lite, Adam, polite. But yes you are right, we like light children and dark children, but we especially like polite children.

Tasty Lunsh - Rebee

This is the first blog I'm going to feature - Lunsh - by Rebee. I can't even remember how I stumbled on to her page but I really enjoy her writing immensely. She also has a pretty cool graphic design page that you can visit here. Leave a comment here letting me know what you think, or jump across and leave one on her page.

Jane

Back to School

With school starting, I’ve started to notice a lot of back-to-school posts. A lot of people are going back to school, but some are going to school for the first time. Either way, it’s never too late to learn tricks about university life in general. Now that I’m going into my last year of university, I decided to devote this post to things that I think people don’t realize and things that I wish people had told me.

1. 
   First, early classes are nice. Annoying, but nice - they tend to be emptier, the mornings during that time are quieter, and you have a better chance of getting a better schedule if you’re okay with taking morning classes. Personally, I find them much nicer than evening classes anyway - evening classes take away time that you could spend studying or hanging out with friends, while morning classes might just require you to get up an hour earlier*.
2. 
   Don’t go home every weekend, but go home when you can. Your parents love you and you’re not going to have many years left living with them. I was fortunate enough to spend the last three years still living with mine full-time, so I got to see them almost every day. Obviously, spend some time making connections or doing crazy things on the weekend, but go see your family, too. I’m often told I took too long to move out, but I don’t regret it for the world. And if you can’t see your family, call them on a regular basis, even if it’s just to say hi.
3. 
   Explore your city. I’ve met tons of people going into their second or third year at the university who don’t know Austin at all. They know Sixth Street because they get wasted on weekends, but that’s about it - they can’t navigate around the city to save their souls. Some cities suck and there’s not much to do, but I think you’d be surprised if you took the time to explore around. Get to know the bus system or buy a really cheap bike and spend a day just exploring.
4. 
   Live in an apartment for at least one year. When I went to school and people found out I was just going to be living at home since it was so close, I had a lot of people tell me that I should live in a dormitory for at least a year. I’ve never lived in one, but I dated a guy for a year who did and I think they’re really overrated. They’re cramped, stuffy, loud, and expensive, and their showers are abysmal and their cafeterias can be even worse. I don’t think it’s worth it - sure, it can “force” you to make friends, but so can university clubs or organizations or even class. With an apartment you have to learn to make your own food, do your own dishes, and keep the entire place tidy, not just your side of the room. You can still get that “roommate” experience, but still have privacy too, because you can shut the door to your bedroom and no one will bother you. And you can usually find apartment complexes very close to campus.
5. 
   Take notes. Write down everything the professor says that is important because if you question it later, you will want a reference. Take more notes rather than less because it helps you out. Also, take seriously every single assignment you are given, no matter how small it may seem. I’ve often heard my (very smart) classmates say things like, “Oh, no, I didn’t do the homework, it’s only like 2% of my final grade.” 2% can add up quick. The harder you work on each individual assignment, and the more assignments you do, the higher your grade will be and the less you have to study for the tests. Think of it as a safety blanket, too. If you run into a really hard project down the line, you’ll have all those other good grades to fall back on.
6. 
   This brings me to my next point. If you are unable to stay off Facebook, AIM, Youtube, or websites, don’t take notes with a laptop.
7. 
   Finally, form study groups, join clubs, be social. Not all the time, not every day, but find something you’re interested in and find other people that are too. I can’t even begin to tell you how many friends I made simply by visiting the arcade every day. I started going because I needed a place to go to kill time in between classes and while waiting for the bus, and because I love DDR. I met so many amazing people there and have so many good memories of that place. I even met people that don’t attend the university and people still in high school. Obviously not everyone’s into arcades, but there are study groups, study sessions, and organizations within the school that will help make you lots of friends.

And so ends my Tips for People Going to University. I hope this helps at least someone. Also, these are just my opinion - some people make the most out of school by doing other things. Just make sure you’re doing the things you want to do and you aren’t holding yourself back.

* - Okay, maybe more than an hour earlier, depending on the kind of person you are. It sure does help your sleeping habits though, and forces you to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier. And if you’ve got to wake up sometime, it might as well be earlier, right? Maybe?

M.D.O.D - Doctors on the Web

I always wanted to be a doctor. I was never very good at science so I settled on becoming a vet. I became even worse at science and now I'm at law school. I'm not sure if I moved up or down the ladder.

Doctors on the Web is an absolutley brilliant blog. I don't understand everything that goes up but most of the posts can be understood by your average Joe. They are a group of doctors who recount their medical stories and let you in on some of the more confidential side of medicine.

Trust them, they're doctors.
Jane


In a Word..."Balls"

You are fourteen. You are bleeding from your penis after having sex with your girlfiend. You come into the ER with your mom. She is in the room. I ask you what you were doing when you started bleeding from your penis and you say, "Having sex." Kiddo, you have 'fractured' and lacerated your penis with your poor aim and mighty thrusting maneuvers. I explain this to you and how we will have to fix it (your mom's still in the room) and what do you ask me?? Yes, you ask me, "When can I have sex again?". You win some kind of award... Seriously, you, even though your peepee is broken, have BALLS.

Why Women Hate Men - Weasel

The car wreck analogy is somewhat overused but so very true in this case. The basic premise of Weasel's blog - Why Women Hate Men - is that he posts male personal ads that are so unbelievable that at first you think he is making it up. This blog is not for the faint hearted or squeamish. It will make you gag. It will make you gasp in horror. But most of all it will make you cry sweet tears of hysteria. It was hard to choose just one to feature, so you will probably see more pop up in the future.

This is the sort of blog you don't admit to visiting, but secretly are addicted to.


Weasel, I salute you.
Jane


P.S. Don't follow the link if you are at work.


Extremely Suave Redhead Seeking Sophisticated Lady - 21

Why hello there ladies, I am a fiery redhead with a passion for all things sensual. I wish to wine and dine you all night long. Do you find me attractive? Shhh... You don't have to answer now, my lovely. Simply send me a message.

Damon

Damon, the ladies have sent you a message.It reads "Please don't order the cheese, because we're fucking swimming in it."

To most of us, "suave" is defined as "an intrinsically gracious and sophisticated behavioral manner expressed by a worldly, educated and mature individual."

To 21 year-old Damon, suave means "Hey, check me out, I'm sucking down some fucking wicked grapes at Bennigans on top of the Cincinnati Holiday Inn. And hey, I washed my balls with soap this morning."

Hoping to plunge his autumn foliage colored genitals deep into the seasoned vaginas of the 30-something set, Damon attempts to create an aura of elegance and maturity. Unfortunately, the "Fainted Badger" hairstyle courtesy of the Sequoia Nation Supercuts doesn't help, nor does the $98 Men's Wearhouse church suit for boys.

Getting laid is tough enough for a clueless young man that looks like a shoo-in for the lead elf position at Nordstrom's Christmas Village, but Damon must also fight the uphill battle of possessing pubic hair that resembles a burnt Nevada mountainside.

Here's my advice Damon. Stop trying to portray yourself as some sophisticated, worldly intellectual. Drinking wine at 21 doesn't make you an intellectual, it makes you a goddamn pussy. At 21, you're supposed to be ramming house keys into a Keystone Light, chugging it, and vomiting on your Abercrombie and Fitch sweater. Believe it or not, in college that gives you a better chance of getting laid than posting an online ad with a picture of yourself ordering a steamed halibut with carrots.

Every woman over 23 knows you're going to treat her like a beer keg in bed anyway- you'll just pump away furiously until foam spews out of your tap.And that, my friend, will never be suave.

Why one cup of joe?

I already have a blog. It's not very well read. It's not actually read at all. My post with the most hits has to do with my boobs. Sad but true. They're not even very impressive. But they seem to be my only draw card.

What I have always wanted is a blog which offered me a selection of posts from different and varied bloggers. I love searching the net and finding interesting blogs but I don't usually have the time to do this. What I hope to do is do the dirty work for you. I'll dive in and get my hands dirty while you wash the laundry, walk the dog and do your taxes. Then in the time it takes to drink a cup of coffee(hence the joe reference) you can read the latest posts from the blogs which I have found and enjoyed. If you like them you can link through and read more, if you hate it you can skip to the next one. Simple, hey?

Maybe you have a cuppa in the morning before waking the kids and herding them into your minnie van, maybe its squeezed into your lunch break at work, or enjoyed after supper while you relax. Whenever you have your cup of joe you know you can have access to specially selected blogs which I believe people will enjoy.

If you know of any blogs that you think others would like or you're desperate for some free publicity on my blog drop me a mail and I'll see what I can do.

Jane